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Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at  a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the  reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived  in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San  Antonio City  Park .

Judge #3 was  an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be  selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person
called in  sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the
judge's  table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call
came  in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have  free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S  MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very  mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You  could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are  crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slightjalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting  BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep  this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the  Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on  my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN  CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #  2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've  located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.  I'm getting ripped from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S  BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.

Judge  # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing  behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting  to look HOT ... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 -  LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge  # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a  strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off  my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told  her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Forget them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN  VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb!

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems  inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING  SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note  that I am worried about Judge
#3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he  is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my  mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight  in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll  know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll  just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI #  8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this  is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its  existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili.  Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3  farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No  Report